Tiger, Tiger - Episode One: Hey, Look Out For That Moving Van!

Trix: It's a surreal feeling, really. You're sitting there being patient as all hell, and you feel everything is both in balance and OUT of it. But there isn't reason to run away, flee, any of that stuff - this is it, this is the real thing and you're sitting a million minutes away from your destiny.

Or, whatever. Something like that.

Trix: So, picture me. There I am.

Triceratops O'Dell. I guess I was wearing an outfit exactly like this one, so it'll help you visualise it. That day was just like this one, truly.

Normal, ordinary, but about to change my life.

Soon enough I would be walking into the Abnormality house.

Trix: But for now, I was sitting in an empty hallway that looked like it had been constructed that morning. It even smelled a little like fresh paint, and like, I know EXACTLY what paint smells like.

Literally challenge me on that. I dare you.

*TRICERATOPS O'DELL...what a fucked up name.*

Trix: I have to hold back the groan when they call for me.

Trix: But here we go, right: showtime.

Trix: You get into the room and these people all know exactly who you are, they've seen the audition tape and obviously they want you here - even if someone did laugh at your name. I'll go down as a winner with one of the quirkiest names, that's certain! But I knew nothing then.

All I knew was that this was what I wanted - I wanted more than anything for a chance to compete on that show.

Trix: And somehow I won.

It's still surreal to me. I thought I would be gone early, because I'm a social threat more than anything - I thought, surely, someone's going to want the chirpy redhead gone. But I blinked and then I was winning competitions and sitting beside Blair at the finale. And getting the votes that said I deserved it all.

Giles: Well, it's my honour to have you here, Trix - actually, we're all glad you're moving in, I just felt like talking like one of those grinning fools on late night TV. I - well, I didn't win when I was on The Mole, but I came close enough to know how incredible the feeling is, to inch and inch and be like, I could just cream if I won.

Trix: Oh, aha, that didn't happen like that for me!

Giles: But I think not a lot of people get what being on reality television is like until they step inside the house, or onto the beach, or into the house and out onto the beach behind it...it's a ball game of its own. Man.

And watching your season, I really did root for you.

And Lana. So maybe I'll hold a grudge, too.

Giles: I'm just messing!

Trix: I don't, it weirdly feels touching when people, like literally people on the streets, they come up to me and say something like, you meant something to me when I watched. Like I'm just a simple girl that thought she would spend half the season stealing people's clothes while she was sleepwalking - it's just really nice and weird.

Giles: You should've seen my DMs when my season of The Mole was airing.

Trix: If you didn't look so dang handsome, mr!

Giles: Drat. Really should have spent the season looking like a drowned rat.

Trix: You and I, Amazing Race, we try to look our ugliest?

Giles: Oh, I am in, Triceratops O'Dell.

Giles: Our lovely guest, ladies, gays, theys and...maybe some straight men, are you here? It's been a true pleasure talking to you today, Trix.

Trix: Thank you for having me! And for letting me stay indefinitely in this ginormous house, I'm guessing you didn't pay for it -

Giles: Triceratops O'Dell, everyone!

Let's not keep rubbing my loss in my face.

TIGER, TIGER

Episode One: Hey, Look Out For That Moving Van!

*Kyle moans out in pleasure*

Kyle: Best. Purchase That I Didn't Make. Ever.

Diane: I simply refuse to be pampered solely at the hands of trained professionals. Dear, I do understand your hands are licensed, but darling you must understand, there is a beautiful art in trusting in the technology of the future. And frankly, I do not need more men and women trying to touch my feet. I do regret joining in this internet venture when it means there are strangers out there requesting absolutely insane items on the bill. My feet are off limits, but this massager...it may have it all.

Kyle: I will never fake any moans of pleasure with this massage chair.

I swear on that.

Diane: Kyle West! I do hope you are not being crass around me.

Kyle: You're spending time with me, D, you just gotta live a little and survive through any and all the times I talk about, well, the D.

Diane: You are foul!

Kyle: I'll get you confessing all your sins to me one day. I can swear on that too!

Trix: God, I'm tired. Sorry. I just need to sit back down for a little bit.

I couldn't get any sleep on the plane -

Giles: No need to apologise to me, at all. I get it. Of course I get it.

Trix: Right. Sorry, again.

You ready for weeks and weeks of me apologising for everything? Hehe.

Giles: You won't be the only one then.

Giles: But take all the time you need, honestly this place has...virtually no deadlines. You're not trying to figure out who the slimy rascal is, or who wants you evicted, or any of that. Just...compliment Diane's cooking if you wanna keep your belly full.

Trix: Duly noted!

Giles: You will practically spew compliments, let's be real here.

Trix: One quick question: no revolving door situation, right? Like I'm not gonna become fast friends with you and then the next week you're like, see ya palsy! I'm off to find love on Are You the One?

Giles: I've lived out on sea for too long, I've tried finding love...ah, I guess this place is becoming a permanent home for us.

We've seen through enough to end the "being alone" stuff.

Trix: I suppose there's a part of me that wants to do everything. Compete again, win again, maybe, and lose, too, like I know I would. Travel the world and then live in a cottage in the woods where I sew dresses with the mice that live in my cupboards. Get married, get divorced, have kids, watch them grow up...but I guess in this life, this specific one, what's the right path for me?

I took one massive chance, so now I don't know if I should take another...or spend every morning making beautiful art with Grapey.

Trix: Diane can teach me everything she knows about cooking. I want to eat all the foodies...not like, the PEOPLE! The foods. Nom nom noms. I can see it now.

This is a really artistic house, actually. A lot of true artisans of their craft and, uh...whatever Izzy does. LITERALLY DO NOT MEAN TO SLANDER HER AT ALL! Please, does she watch this back?

...Giles? What's up?

Giles: It's not so simple, is what I'm stuck on.

Trix: Hmm?

Giles: I don't want you getting the impression this will be an easy vacation, as if we are sailing the high seas and I am still up at the microphone, being funny all the time. Grape, for one, he still has a job to do - so he disappears off into the day, and so do I, believe it or not. Not always, not everyday - but I haven't given up on what the world expects of me.

Trix: If you're ever coming home from a rough day, I'm just down the hall...I think, I'm sure I'll know when you show me where I'm staying!

Giles: Thanks, Trix. And we'll get to the tour soon, I know you probably just want to collapse.

Trix: I do need my zzzzzs. Believe it or not, I have someone in town I need to have lunch with tomorrow.

Giles: Well look at you making connections out here already. You're gonna find this place is like a fever dream - it's so out of the public sphere, people come here to escape the drama of being recognised...even though some of us definitely say they never do get approached anyway, so the island lifestyle is appealing without that.

You can start to feel like this is all a huge set up - until you meet a friendly face who doesn't mind that a bunch of their neighbours used to be on TV and they haven't even made the local newspaper.

Giles: It's like our very own bunker from the apocalypse that is everyone else - and we don't feel so opposed to some people that have no intentions of ever going for the championship. It's not like we own the island.

Trix: Someone try to buy it though?

Giles: Oh of course. London Howard put in a bid. So did Marsha Marshall, weirdly.

You should've seen the uproar.

Diane: Oh locusts!

We fell asleep.

Diane: Kyle, darling, wake up.

...nothing. Of course not.

Oh I suppose I must break his slumber somehow.

Giles: How about that tour then?

Trix: Lead me home, Mr. Guide. Guide, Tour Guide.

Giles: Would you like your tour...shaken, not stirred?

Trix: You're a little rusty, huh!

Giles: Not rusty - just varied. Sometimes the best joke is the most obvious.

Trix: Fair enough! But I still think that was weeeeeaakkkk.

Giles: I'll remember that. You make sure strangers don't make your drinks from now on, okay? Just be warned.

Trix: Show me around, you goon.

Giles: Your room is down the end here, right by the...giant gumball machine.

Trix: Did Izzy buy that?

Giles: You guessed it! It goes completely against the vibe of her bedroom, but lo and behold we had a spare corner in the hall so...feel free to sneak out in the middle of the night for a gumball, might run into me at midnight.

Trix: Oh, stop flirting with me, Giles -

Giles: Harmless flirting, of course -

Trix: Lemme see this bedroom! I fully expect for there to just be a mattress on the floor. Some boxes in the corner, too.

Giles: None of us wanted you to move into an empty bedroom.

Trix: It's...it's gorgeous. Giles - oh, he's gone.

Giles: (from the hallway) I'm locking you in!

Trix: Ha - ha. Very funny. I don't think I need to leave though.

Giles: Call out to me if you need anything, or get it yourself!

Trix: I think I'm gonna like it here.

Trix: *singing* Get me now, holy cow!

Could someone pinch me please -

I think I'm gonna like it here

Giles: She'll be comfy in no time, for sure.

Yeah. I don't doubt it.

Giles: Guess there's other things to doubt though...

Giles: Clear your head, Giles.

Diane: Wake up, Kyle. Rise.

Your pet fish is drowning. You do not even have said pet fish, I am trying to scare you awake. Let us hope these negatives make their way into your dreams. Giles is rejecting you again, what a cruel man. Izzy is dancing on your grave like the nymph she is. Grape is getting married tomorrow.

I do apologise, none of these are too extreme, I am holding back.

KYLE! THIS IS NO TIME TO BE ASLEEP!

Kyle: Jesus Christ Diane, just shove me with a burning fire poker next time.

Diane: I - I am sorry, my darling.

Kyle: What's - what - what's so important anyway, I'm falling back asleep again - no, keep me awake, Diane...

Diane: Move those legs of yours, darling.

I have not seen Izzy in hours and it is worrying.

Kyle: I'm sure she's fine, D, what could she possibly be doing that would get her in trouble - oh, right.

Diane: If this were the old, the Isabelle, then, sure, I would have...little concern, except of course that every slip up would show me her mental state is a haggard mess. But Izzy is the loose cannon of a pirate ship and she makes me worry about her constantly. This is what having a child is apparently like.

Kyle: Well, uh, what are we doing about it then?

Diane: You go ask around if anyone has talked to her since last night. Meanwhile, I will make us something to eat. Nothing will be solved on an empty stomach.

Kyle: Kinda seems like I'm getting tricked into being a parent...

Kyle: Oh, hey, Grape.

Sorry to, uh, barge in and interrupt your reading like this.

Literally - all of the sorry.

Grape: You're - you're fine, not interrupting.

I, uh, have this thing called a bookmark. Saves my place and stuff, like, revolutionary stuff if you've...if you've never heard of it.

Anyway. Good morning.

Grape: I, uh, haven't really left this room much this morning, which I was hoping no one noticed. You're not here to try to nudge me out?

Kyle: Oh, no, actually -

Grape: Okay, cool. What's up then?

Kyle: I promise you it's nothing to really stress over, but -

Kyle: Diane's just worried that Izzy never came home last night, that maybe she was, say, murdered in an alleyway or shoved into the back of a van and auctioned off to the highest bidder. Normal Diane worries, but, uh, you didn't hear or see Izzy at all did you?

Grape: I haven't seen her, sorry. For once I had a night without such a struggle to fall asleep...I say that like I have insomnia.

Grape: There's a camera out the window again.

Kyle: It's getting your good side as you get up from the bed.

Grape: We, uh, both know my good side isn't whatever angle they're getting.

Do you want - did you need help trying to find Izzy?

Kyle: I'm not turning it into a Neighbourhood Watch search party, don't worry there. I don't want to interrupt your downtime.

Grape: I, well, hope Izzy comes through those doors soon then.

Kyle: She will. She probably did, at like two AM, then just left again.

Typical for her, actually.

Grape: She likes those nights out, being true to herself completely.

I wish I had that confidence, that feeling of just...letting go of everything.

Kyle: You don't need to let go of anything, Grape.

Grape: The anxiety maybe.

Kyle: But - how would I recognise you?

Grape: Uh...good question, actually. Like I wanna believe I would still be myself without the, uh, panic and neurotic behaviour...but who knows, actually. People probably like me because I'm not a boring sane white person - sorry about that.

Kyle: Wowwwwwwww!

Grape: Haha, I don't actually mean to insult you. You know that.

I just mean...there's no point in trying to bury who we are, and I can say that with my chest out because I was born purple.

Kyle: I - I don't have any plans to hide who I am, I wouldn't be worried about that. But why are we here talking about our insecurities, gosh, sorry, I'm wasting your time by being an intrusion like this. I know you have a massive day tomorrow, god, my bad -

Grape: Kyle.

Kyle: You don't have to tell me I'm allowed to do this, that I'm allowed to be a bother because we're still the best of friends...

Kyle: Let me get out of your, uh, shaggy purple hair -

Grape: Kyle -

Kyle: I should go see how Trix is, make sure she knows which bathroom she should use. Probably Diane's, you know, ladies sharing with ladies, I just hope she doesn't start leaving it all messy, D might throw a plate at her head - kidding!

Grape: Kyle -

Grape: Can we hang out later today? I miss that, hanging out together.

Kyle: I - yeah, we can. I'm not busy.

Diane might throw a plate at my head if I fall asleep in the massage chair again.

Grape: I'll come find you then?

Kyle: Yeah. That sounds good.

Kyle: I guess by then I'll be ready to tell him my good news.

Grape: Back to reading I go then.

Kyle: I don't know why I just sat down in this chair.

Guess I'm hoping someone walks in those doors and I can interview them...shudder, I don't want to interview nobody.

Why am I talking to myself again?

Diane: Now what should I conjure up for lunch today?

I am feeling much more relaxed from the massage, so perhaps...something that requires very little effort, but still tastes fabulous.

Diane: And I suppose I will pretend it was a most difficult assembly.

Yes, the art of foolery.

Izzy: Absolutely offensive that no cameras were following me all morning.

I'm just kidding! I woke up at four and disappeared with my heels in my hands, of course no one knew to follow me, right, Dara?

Dara: *meows*

Izzy: Running on an hour of sleep has made me INCREDIBLY horny for some reason.

Oh, you thought I'd say tired, didn't you, Dara?

Silly kitty.

Izzy: Honeys, I'm home!

Kyle: Oh thank god you weren't flashing on my screen with a ransom note attached.

Izzy: Goooood morning to you too, Kyle.

Need to get to know your new home, Dara? Seems smart.

If you find any bugs, please do tell me.

Kyle: You - you got a cat then?

Izzy: She's part of the family, Kyle - it's not "Oh, I got a cat now!" We have two new family members today, is the truth. Dara and Triceratops.

Where is that cutie pie anyway?

Kyle: She's - she's upstairs, I think. Sorry, still surprised we have a cat now.

Izzy: Our new family member will be welcomed with open arms, yeah?

She's so dang cute!!! Come say heeeey!

Kyle: Her name is Dara?

Izzy: Yup, yup, yup. Dara.

Absolutely not to be confused with Doro, or Dora, or Deera.

Or any other name it could be confused with, hehe.

Kyle: Well hey there, little Dara.

Izzy: Dara, exactly, hehe.

Kyle: You must've been at the doorstep of the animal shelter right on opening, then. You just couldn't welcome this little cutie home, could you?

Diane wants to ground you, you know?

Izzy: Oh, she does not. She loves me.

Kyle: I mean - deep down, she probably isn't disgusted by you.

Izzy: That's such a nice thing to say, ha! Like I get it though, I'm a pain. I couldn't just sit still and be a good little girl. Maybe in the next few weeks a witch will curse me to forget how to be fun and happy again. We'll just see!

Kyle: Just glad you got home safe -

Izzy: Legit, I'm fine.

Kyle: Well, once...once you and Dara are all good and settled, come find the rest of us, okay? I think Diane is making food, and Grape's - he's in his room, Giles and Trix must be upstairs somewhere.

I guess in some weird way you're getting to pick where to go first, and I will refuse to let myself make some silly joke like I'm Linda off...your season of The Mole.

Izzy: Omigosh, I remember her!

Girl was whack.

But you know what, not as bad as some of the other lunatics.

Me included. Hehe.

Kyle: That was, a, uh, interesting season to watch.

Izzy: My moneymaker!

Trix: Gimme gimme - watch it be broken though.

*it is not broken*

Trix: Hells yeah.

Trix: Spin on down, little red ball.

Spin on down.

Trix: Almost!

You're doing so good.

Someone should get you on the Olympic stage.

For...track, I guess?

Trix: GET IN MA BELLY!

Izzy: Don't tell me you're gonna be louder than I am -

Trix: Jesus lord, you made me swallow it.

Izzy: We always take the lord's name in vain in this house, so you're bang on the money there...and in other ways, too, because you're of course the winner of season....something...of Abnormality.

You know, I could've fucking aced that show.

Trix: I - I'm in the company of an actual queen.

Izzy: ...stupid people on that stupid season where I came last said they wanted to take that title away from me, because I was stupid -

Trix: You were the first mole to actually dominate the game. Can you imagine me trying to sabotage? The only sabotaging I do is to my own game, and even then...I played strong enough that people called me a winner.

Izzy: You played and you won, girl, soak that shit up.

Anyways - I take it you love the new digs, and I'm not exactly gonna let you get settled in without making sure that you know I'm straight back behind me down the hall, the double doors. If you need absolutely anything, or you wanna watch trashy TV, you know where to find me.

They...let me have the biggest room after I bartered the hell out of things, I'm not a dumb cookie, as you could probably tell.

Izzy: We don't have many rules, you're not stepping back into a show. If I'm not home, I'm not dead, trust me on that. If you actually believe I might be dead, uh, literally what should you do...I don't want to come home and see my face's been stapled onto telephone poles, so honestly just leave me a text that's like, we're worried, girl, and hopefully my kidnapper isn't a groupie of mine.

Trix: I don't want groupies -

Izzy: Literally don't stress over that! Your fans are like, incredibly cute and sweet and say that I'm a scumbag for a redhead, because I'm not even a redhead...your fans have your back. Mine want to smash me against the wall and call me uptight wannabe slut.

Trix: Oh - gosh, that's gross.

Izzy: You should see my wig collection. I've basically killed my hair, and I'll keep killing it, look it's a different colour since I was on television, but those wigs...unrecognisable as a brunette, lemme tell you.

Trix: You actually would look stunning as a brunette.

Izzy: Oh my god, thank you!

I'm putting you in a pink wig one day. For sure.

Diane: I swear if you did not sunscreen up, young man -

Giles: Easy, Diane. I lathered up inside, I don't need skin cancer killing my career and my youthful beauty.

Diane: Yes. Sorry. I have been in some semblance of a mood today.

Giles: I did not notice.

Giles: Take a breather, though, and rest easy. I heard you were looking for Izzy, and now she's back, I'm surprised you didn't tackle her down.

It's odd, almost, that you showed such a motherly instinct - we all sort of just let Izzy be true to herself, even if that means we wonder where she's gotten herself half the time.

Diane: I -

Giles: Also, who's idea was it to leave the trash can near the pool?

Was that you, Diane? Cheeky.

Diane: Previous homeowners were idiots.

But - I suppose you are indeed correct, and I was silly, I woke up with too much of a sense for things. Too much of an uncharacteristic worry, when I am supposed to be a careful dignified woman. I will see myself to the garden -

Giles: Diane, wait a minute -

Diane: The garden is at the edge of the pool, Giles. Settle.

Diane: You better hope it was strong sunscreen. The sun today is oddly radiant today, and I know how much the weather and the news annoy you.

You've stopped watching them entirely -

Giles: I lathered up, I said.

Diane: No need for attitude then.

Giles: This is just the way I sound. I'm sure you're used to it.

Diane: I - perhaps I am, perhaps I am.

Giles: It's harder to hear you with your back turned to me, though.

Diane: I need the peace of alone, I do believe.

Thank you for the understanding, Giles.

Giles: Oh - of course.

Giles: But the moment you need someone to talk to, your friend Giles of the Very Familiar With Cruise Liners Too is here, soaking in some rays. You may not realise how much we can be a support system for each other, Diane, but I can at least study everyone else in this house for how they can help you.

Izzy makes you scared. Grape helps you in the kitchen sometimes, and he knows how deeply you care. Kyle is finding out where he fits, and Trix will surprise you.

But I am here, too.

Diane: You project your voice marvelously. And, well, I do appreciate you saying all of that, Giles...I suppose it might have been... Triceratops's...arrival that might have suddenly stressed me more than normal, though of course I am strong enough to hide the most of it. I wanted the very best welcome....and Izzy being found in a ditch somewhere would have been the wrong start.

Giles: You know you can't control how someone feels when they move into a new place. I know you know that.

Diane: It is fine to be bitter and angered toward me, please -

Giles: This isn't that type of reaction.

Diane: I at least am relieved I did not make a grandiose horrid impression.

Giles: You didn't. It's the logic that you time and time again show to us.

Giles: I can't do this from afar anymore.

Trix is settling in well, just like we all did in the past. It's so absurdly weird to consider this like our complete home - but here we are, making good memories out of being lumped in together. Diane White should have a kitchen twice the size, with one of those giant walk-in fridges, and a pantry twice the size of that.

But she makes do for the company. We keep each other sane.

Diane: I would give you a warm hug if you were completely clothed.

Giles: Nothing wrong with me bearing skin, D.

Diane: I am thankful you are not toting a skimpy swimming costume, at least. I do not need the image scarred into my mind of your...downstairs friend.

Giles: Diane! I will keep my...downstairs friend...far from your eyes, always.

Giles: You are frankly not the target audience of that.

Diane: Frankly! Darling, I am thankful for you completely, of course.

Please, cook with me in the kitchen sometimes, I would love the company.

Giles: I would like that. For now though, I've gotta get back to this relaxing, before the day turns black and I'm stuck with a cool breeze that freezes my nipples.

Diane: You have chosen that language on purpose!

Giles: You wouldn't expect anything else.

Diane: Well, my darling, I suppose you are right - there are things in this world we can control, and there are things we cannot. We learn and we thrive, or there are flames on the sides of our face - and we do something about that! Now don't we?

Grape: Kyle - you in?

Kyle: Yeah, I am...come in, Grape.

Grape: Okay. Coming in! Haha. Sorry, gosh.

Grape: I'm such a weirdo - oh, I should take my shoes off too, yeah?

Kyle: If you want to, you can.

Grape: I don't even know why I've had them on today.

I don't know what urgency I felt I had, really. The shoes are coming off!

Grape: I don't know what to do.

Kyle: I - I don't either. It's confusing, actually. But look. We're here together, that's something at least. Like you have me for support, I mean.

Grape: Yeah. I know. I hope that's enough.

Kyle: I don't like the idea of any of us feeling alone.

And I think, maybe, for once, we might have a chance to find home with each other.